mindful self-indulgence

There's something about me that I haven't quite figured out. It concerns my emotions. I can be very detached if I want to be. In fact, it's possible I have a constant underlying emotional detachment that permeates my entire life. 

Maybe it comes from my desire to avoid pain of all kinds. Emotional pain in particular. If I never commit to anything emotionally, then I will never be hurt. 

Of course this means I will never feel things deeply. My emotional make up will be a mediocre landscape with neither mountain peaks or valleys. 

There's selfishness here. Self-centeredness. I don't want to care about anyone of help anyone. I'll never achieve anything worth achieving if I can't learn to live with, love, and work with others.

I don't do what I know I should do and I am dead until I can break free of the old life. It's simple but not easy. It's possible but not happening now.