well, not quite.
I'm sitting in the airport in Korea waiting for my transfer flight to Japan...in 6 hours. Oh well.
I'm always thankful for polite seat mates on flights. The kind of person you sit next to can make all the difference in the world in whether or not you'll have a pleasant flight. I've been pretty lucky so far. I think Asian cultures tend to be more polite anyway.
I've been getting small revelations at random intervals ever since I left Washington. I've never taken an international flight by myself before. I really do need to get some good sleep if I'm going to enjoy myself fully out here.
I've recently been reading a Christian book titled "reclaiming biblical Manhood and biblical Womanhood". I realize I have a lot of bad foundations laid for how I see and interact with women. I'm making it a point to study this book while I'm gone. It's been insightful so far. One term used is "sexual personhood". It's the idea that the deepest identity for each of us includes our male and female selves and that it shouldn't be separated from our definitions of personhood. Our gender is central to who we are.
My biggest challenge will be eliminating sexual impurity from my life and replacing it with proper views of women in general.
time for a nap.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
First post in California
I've arrived.
I'm back home in Southern California. Well, my first home, that is. I'd come to accept Washington as my home by the time I left. It didn't occur to me until it was almost time to go. I had a lot up there, many friends, a good job, a great church community. I grew a lot while I was there.
And I'm coming back to a place where my personal history didn't include much growth.
When I left here almost 5 years ago I was very self-centered. I was immature. I worshipped comfort. But over the years I've learned I'm usually too hard on myself so maybe I wasn't all that bad. But I can honestly say I've come a long way since 2005.
I'm back where I started back then, at my Uncle Mark's house. I remember the day my Aunt Eileen took me down to the recruiters office to leave for basic training. It's a strange feeling being back here with my active duty time completed. It's like going through a time warp.
I'll tell you about my homecoming. I drove into town this weekend and went with my dad to a homecoming party at my Aunt Margie's place. It was an overwhelming experience. A good portion of my family was there. They all clapped when I came into the room. I've had vain fantasies about being a famous actor and having people applaud for me. It didn't feel like I imagined even though the circumstances where completely different. I can see how people become prideful and have a sense of entitlement to the adoration of others. I think it's from my time in the army that now I have a sense of humility whenever some one praises what I've done. I'm thankful but I don't want to let it go to my head. I used to put myself down but now I just want a balanced view of my own actions. It doesn't do any good to think that you are better than anyone else. Most of the time those feelings come out of insecurity anyway. One of the lessons I learned (and continue to learn) is that my worth isn't determined by my accomplishments or failures, it's determined by my relationship with Jesus Christ. And since I know that He loved my before I ever even knew him, it changes how I see myself, since he chose me before I ever existed.
I'll leave for Japan on Wednesday night. I still can't believe it's real. I'm not even excited yet because I can't comprehend what it's going to be like. I've never been this far away from home by myself before. I like the idea of being on my own in a far of place. I want to learn while I'm there. and I want to have a fun time!
I know that California is where I'm mean't to be. I know there are going to be challenges here that will test me in ways that even the Army couldn't. But I'm not afraid to meet them. I'll say it here that it's a goal of mine to buy a house by the end of 2010. I'm not going to kick myself if I don't. I'm just saying it'd be nice.
I'm back home in Southern California. Well, my first home, that is. I'd come to accept Washington as my home by the time I left. It didn't occur to me until it was almost time to go. I had a lot up there, many friends, a good job, a great church community. I grew a lot while I was there.
And I'm coming back to a place where my personal history didn't include much growth.
When I left here almost 5 years ago I was very self-centered. I was immature. I worshipped comfort. But over the years I've learned I'm usually too hard on myself so maybe I wasn't all that bad. But I can honestly say I've come a long way since 2005.
I'm back where I started back then, at my Uncle Mark's house. I remember the day my Aunt Eileen took me down to the recruiters office to leave for basic training. It's a strange feeling being back here with my active duty time completed. It's like going through a time warp.
I'll tell you about my homecoming. I drove into town this weekend and went with my dad to a homecoming party at my Aunt Margie's place. It was an overwhelming experience. A good portion of my family was there. They all clapped when I came into the room. I've had vain fantasies about being a famous actor and having people applaud for me. It didn't feel like I imagined even though the circumstances where completely different. I can see how people become prideful and have a sense of entitlement to the adoration of others. I think it's from my time in the army that now I have a sense of humility whenever some one praises what I've done. I'm thankful but I don't want to let it go to my head. I used to put myself down but now I just want a balanced view of my own actions. It doesn't do any good to think that you are better than anyone else. Most of the time those feelings come out of insecurity anyway. One of the lessons I learned (and continue to learn) is that my worth isn't determined by my accomplishments or failures, it's determined by my relationship with Jesus Christ. And since I know that He loved my before I ever even knew him, it changes how I see myself, since he chose me before I ever existed.
I'll leave for Japan on Wednesday night. I still can't believe it's real. I'm not even excited yet because I can't comprehend what it's going to be like. I've never been this far away from home by myself before. I like the idea of being on my own in a far of place. I want to learn while I'm there. and I want to have a fun time!
I know that California is where I'm mean't to be. I know there are going to be challenges here that will test me in ways that even the Army couldn't. But I'm not afraid to meet them. I'll say it here that it's a goal of mine to buy a house by the end of 2010. I'm not going to kick myself if I don't. I'm just saying it'd be nice.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Coming soon...
There's been so much happening lately and I've been meaning to write it all down. I guess the more that happens the more daunting the task seems. But this is my life and these moments are important to me.
I leave active duty Army in two days. I move out of my apartment tomorrow. On Friday I will leave behind this life I've lived for 4 years and 8 months. I will leave my friends in the King County Young Republicans. I will leave Mars Hill Seattle. I will leave my Army friends. This job has consumed my life, told me where to go, what to eat, what to wear. Now it's coming to an end.
Some part of me will always be with this life. I've changed so much. I've matured, grown stronger. I have a sense of duty and loyalty to my country. My Christian faith is central in my life. Family is more important. I'm less selfish than I used to be. But at the same time I've gained an awareness of myself I didn't have before. And that means I'm more aware of my flaws. And there are many.
I've also learned that my worth in this world isn't determined by my accomplishments and failures. It is determined by my relationship with God, with Jesus Christ. This has been the biggest step forward in the view I have of myself. I realized that I grew up with low self-esteem and a low self image. I was too hard on myself, never gave myself any credit, nothing was ever good enough. And I was severely afraid of rejection. So much so that nearly everything I did and said was in an effort to gain someones approval. I look back in awe at how I so thoroughly and constantly lived in fear. This would be depressing but for the revelations I've had since. Now I am elated and hopeful for the future.
But I don't want my future anymore. I want what God has planned for me. It's a painful process but I want to live for others more and more. When I plan for the future, I want plan with that foremost in my mind. I still struggle, though. It's hard to see sometimes that my life would be better lived as a life of sacrifice and service. But as I learn what those words really mean for a Christian I see that it is the only life worth living.
----
I feel the pain of losing life life right now. I'll miss the friends I've made here. I don't feel so deeply for my Army teammates at the moment. Some for negative reasons, others just because the timing of our parting was off. My entire section is involved in intense training right now. Even if I had been going into work for the past two weeks I wouldn't have seen them. An inglorious parting but that's just the way it is so I don't feel bad about. I do know that as time passes I'll come to realize how important a part they all played in my life. Even the ones that suck.
I'll miss my D&D group. So unique and how perfect that we would all meet in this place at this time.
I feel so fortunate to have traveled this path. I've met so many wonderful people! It can't be anything other that the hand of God guiding me. Everyday of these past four years, from the first day of basic, to walking around the woods of North Carolina in the middle of the night with a 60 pound backpack, to reenacting scenes from the Lord of the Rings while going stir crazy in the middle of the summer heat, every day in Iraq and Cambodia, I don't regret any of it. Everyday has been a blessing, every day a learning experience and one more chance to grow.
I didn't take advantage of all of them. There were plenty of wasted opportunities. But I value even my failures. I own every choice and everyday I spent in the service of my country and my fellow man.
----
I'm leaving for Japan in a week. I don't even know how to feel about that. It's a dream come true. I can't believe its real. I hope I make the most of it. I hope I learn something. I hope I can relax and let go of this life, this routine.
I hope I don't lose what I've learned. I want to continue and build upon the skills I've acquired.
I know it's going to be cold and I look forward to that. I want to be alone with my thoughts. I want to get some perspective on my life. I want to be cleared headed and make good choices.
----
I don't know if I'm going to audition for Cirque du Soleil anymore. I want so many things for my life and I don't know if I want to take that path, that year of training and the possible life it could lead to. I don't see very much wrong with it. But it just doesn't feel as right as it used to. I'm going to take the time in Japan and Korea to think it through and pray about it. It's a big decision and I'm going to take my time. If I did give it up I'd simply start my life as an actor. And that idea never losses it's luster.
I leave active duty Army in two days. I move out of my apartment tomorrow. On Friday I will leave behind this life I've lived for 4 years and 8 months. I will leave my friends in the King County Young Republicans. I will leave Mars Hill Seattle. I will leave my Army friends. This job has consumed my life, told me where to go, what to eat, what to wear. Now it's coming to an end.
Some part of me will always be with this life. I've changed so much. I've matured, grown stronger. I have a sense of duty and loyalty to my country. My Christian faith is central in my life. Family is more important. I'm less selfish than I used to be. But at the same time I've gained an awareness of myself I didn't have before. And that means I'm more aware of my flaws. And there are many.
I've also learned that my worth in this world isn't determined by my accomplishments and failures. It is determined by my relationship with God, with Jesus Christ. This has been the biggest step forward in the view I have of myself. I realized that I grew up with low self-esteem and a low self image. I was too hard on myself, never gave myself any credit, nothing was ever good enough. And I was severely afraid of rejection. So much so that nearly everything I did and said was in an effort to gain someones approval. I look back in awe at how I so thoroughly and constantly lived in fear. This would be depressing but for the revelations I've had since. Now I am elated and hopeful for the future.
But I don't want my future anymore. I want what God has planned for me. It's a painful process but I want to live for others more and more. When I plan for the future, I want plan with that foremost in my mind. I still struggle, though. It's hard to see sometimes that my life would be better lived as a life of sacrifice and service. But as I learn what those words really mean for a Christian I see that it is the only life worth living.
----
I feel the pain of losing life life right now. I'll miss the friends I've made here. I don't feel so deeply for my Army teammates at the moment. Some for negative reasons, others just because the timing of our parting was off. My entire section is involved in intense training right now. Even if I had been going into work for the past two weeks I wouldn't have seen them. An inglorious parting but that's just the way it is so I don't feel bad about. I do know that as time passes I'll come to realize how important a part they all played in my life. Even the ones that suck.
I'll miss my D&D group. So unique and how perfect that we would all meet in this place at this time.
I feel so fortunate to have traveled this path. I've met so many wonderful people! It can't be anything other that the hand of God guiding me. Everyday of these past four years, from the first day of basic, to walking around the woods of North Carolina in the middle of the night with a 60 pound backpack, to reenacting scenes from the Lord of the Rings while going stir crazy in the middle of the summer heat, every day in Iraq and Cambodia, I don't regret any of it. Everyday has been a blessing, every day a learning experience and one more chance to grow.
I didn't take advantage of all of them. There were plenty of wasted opportunities. But I value even my failures. I own every choice and everyday I spent in the service of my country and my fellow man.
----
I'm leaving for Japan in a week. I don't even know how to feel about that. It's a dream come true. I can't believe its real. I hope I make the most of it. I hope I learn something. I hope I can relax and let go of this life, this routine.
I hope I don't lose what I've learned. I want to continue and build upon the skills I've acquired.
I know it's going to be cold and I look forward to that. I want to be alone with my thoughts. I want to get some perspective on my life. I want to be cleared headed and make good choices.
----
I don't know if I'm going to audition for Cirque du Soleil anymore. I want so many things for my life and I don't know if I want to take that path, that year of training and the possible life it could lead to. I don't see very much wrong with it. But it just doesn't feel as right as it used to. I'm going to take the time in Japan and Korea to think it through and pray about it. It's a big decision and I'm going to take my time. If I did give it up I'd simply start my life as an actor. And that idea never losses it's luster.
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